5 Rut-Busters To Refresh Your Long Term Relationship
The better we know people, the more likely we are to find fault with them.
Truer words have never been spoken. Familiarity breeds contempt. As a person who’s had her share of long term relationships, I know all too well how true these words are.
Relationships get stale, they go through dry patches, and sometimes, like when you’re spending A LOT of time with your mate, you begin to feel, shall we say, a little annoyed at the very sight of them.
Here are a few ways to un-familiarize yourself with your partner and reawaken the novelty within your long-past-new relationship.
1. Allocate “Me Time”.
I know, the idea is to keep things fresh — together. However, the only true way to recharge after spending a lot of time with your significant other is to spend some time apart. If you can’t leave the house to get away from your mate, or if your space happens to be too small to actually achieve actual separation, try to create some “false boundaries”.
If you’re in the same room, one way to create this “false boundary” is to wear headphones and zone into a project or watch the show your partner despises from the privacy of your own laptop or tablet.
If you have the space for it, things are a bit easier. Tell your partner that you’re going to get away and be head-down for a while, then close yourself away in the office, bedroom, the bathroom — wherever — and take the time to reconnect with yourself. Read a book, exercise, dance like no one’s watching, soak in a bubble bath, just be present in your solitude.
Alone time is an important component of self care and you should never feel guilty for asking for it. While you’re becoming better acquainted with your solo time, encourage your partner to do the same, setting a time for when you’ll come back together as one.
2. Pretend to be different people.
This is a strange suggestion, right? Wrong. Life is monotony by definition. Most of us behave in a set way or pattern 365 days of the year (except maybe Halloween) and it’s normal for you and your partner to become a bit bored by the lack of novelty you encounter in one another, day after day.
Designate one day a month, or more if you can handle it, where you wake up and pretend that you’ve never met your partner. Ask them questions — many of which you may not have had the chance to ask as the relationship got in the way, and try to see them as a different person through your new lens.
Go all out. Wake up, go to the bathroom, put on a wig or do your hair different, amp up or tone down the makeup. Put on a tank top if you’ve never worn one, or put on that outfit in your closet that you’ve never felt was quite “you”. Speak in an accent, change the tone of your voice, etc. Have fun with it, and open yourselves up to the possibility of discovering something and someone new in the person you know so well.
3. Switch up your roles!
As partnerships grow and evolve, each person tends to take on a certain role within the relationship. Maybe your girlfriend is the planner, or maybe she makes all the home improvement decisions. Maybe your husband picks the next series to binge or determines which stocks you both should target next quarter — whatever it may be — do a little switcheroo and take on the role and responsibilities typically performed by your significant other.
Don’t worry if the reason you both play those particular roles is because, well, you’re best at them between the two of you. Allow for mistakes, allow for discomfort, allow for newness to flow through the rigidity of your routines, and let newness carry you to a new understanding, and respect, for your partner.
4. Share your “Goal Diary”.
We all have hopes, dreams, projects we want to complete, skills we want to learn, many of which we haven’t completed or achieved because we have full plates, are mired in self-doubt, or suffer from procrastination. Our partners should be our biggest advocates and if they’re supportive of you and your dreams, they want to do anything they can to help you reach your fullest potential.
So, put those hopes, dreams, goals, etc. down on paper and trade your list, or Goal Diary, for your partner’s. Not only will a complete laundry list of your loved one’s goals give you additional insight into what makes them tick, it will give you a clear list of the things that you can help with to improve their lives.
There’s nothing sexier than support.
5. Do some first date(s) reflection.
Once you’ve been with someone for a long time it becomes difficult to imagine them as the exciting stranger you first met some time ago. I find it useful to reflect on my partner as the mysterious stranger (boy was he mysterious) he was before I knew that he didn’t like roller coasters.
I find this to be a good refresher, especially when you do it together. It will remind you both of why you were so enamored with one another in the first place, and will reawaken some of the mystery of a person you’ve grown to know, and love, so much.
Take it a step further and visit some of your first date locations, do some of the things that you did before lying on the couch and watching television became the highlight of the week.
Relationships are ever-changing, and we have to make sure to change the way that we cultivate them, day after day. Just remember, your partner is as complex and exciting as the day you met them and there’s always more to learn about them — which is why it’s imperative to keep rediscovering all the ways that they’re the perfect fit for you, beyond what you might think you already know.
