5 Signs That It’s Time To Break Up
Breaking up is hard. It’s harder than staying in a mediocre, unsatisfying relationship. It’s harder than descending into chronic complacence. It’s harder than having a real conversation about why a “good” relationship may not be good enough for you.
I know this all too well. I used to be a serial monogamist that would stay in relationships an average of two years too long; waiting for an improvement that I no longer cared about, or watching the problems pile up so high I had no idea how to address them. I’d often fall into the trap of thinking, “well, he’s not so bad, I mean, he doesn’t cheat on me or abuse me”. Needless to say, I had a low bar for what a relationship should be, and I would overstay rather than put us both out of our misery to journey out into the unknown.
I wasted a lot of valuable dating years stuck in relationships that were doomed and depressing, and I ignored signs that were so obvious it’s laughable. The signs were always the same, though, and it’s my hope that if one person reads this and recognizes that any of these signs look familiar, they can take the leap and release themselves, and their partner, from a less than stellar union.
1. You Don’t Have Sex Anymore.
This is one of the biggest red flags out there. Sexual appetites can wax and wane during a relationship, especially a long-term one. That’s okay — depending on the impetus.
If you and your partner are in a dry spell, it should be top priority to determine why this is. Are you both stressed about work? Family? The future? Your relationship? Has weight gain/loss made one of you uncomfortable about your body? Is there an unresolved issue between you? Get it out in the open, discuss it, and determine the ways in which it’s dulling your intimate connection.
Easier said than done, right? Because having a conversation about a dry sex life is a minefield. Say the wrong thing and your partner could spiral into feeling inadequate, unattractive, or worthless, and there’s no quicker way to kill already wounded intimacy.
Despite the possible pitfalls, honesty is still the best policy. This includes mentioning if your attraction for your partner has changed, for any reason. I think society has made it difficult for people to mention why their attraction has waned — especially if the catalyst is something physical. We cannot, however, ignore that losing physical attraction to a partner is a real thing, and no one should be villainized for this. I know this is a controversial stance, but if you’re no longer into your significant other, then it’s best for them, and you, to end things.
It’s also important to determine what a normal sex life looks like for the both of you. If either party feels unsatisfied with its current state and the other partner is not interested in meeting an elevated level of sexual activity, it may be time to break up. Relationships with unequal sexual appetites are rife with resentment and other issues, and you’ll be much happier once you find someone with whom sex doesn’t take effort.
The key is to be respectful in discussing, specifically, the reason behind the lack of sex. Work together to figure out if the problems impeding sexual intimacy are fixable, and if they aren’t, have the courage to move on.
2. You’ve lost interest.
When I first started dating my fiance, I always looked forward to seeing him, hearing from him, or spending time with him. After 4+ years, that feeling remains.
There are days when I’m content to be my loner self, and I believe in having a healthy dose of “me” time, but even on those days I’m happy to have him nearby and I love seeing his face.
On the other hand, I’ve spoken with people who dread the sound of their boyfriend’s key in the lock. When they go out on the town, they rather do it alone or with friends more often than not. They’ve lost interest in their partner and have some lingering feeling that they’ll get it back. I’m here to say that often, once it’s gone, it’s gone.
Perhaps you do enjoy your partner’s company sometimes, but really, is that enough to get you through a long term monogamous relationship? If you’re only 1–2 years into your relationship and you’re already shrinking away from your partner’s touch and avoiding opportunities to spend time with them, it’s time to move on.
3. You don’t share the same view of the future.
Relationships are comprised of individuals with unique goals, motivations, and values, so having differences in those areas are inevitable and can be mutually enriching. However, if you both have vastly different views on where the relationship is heading it might be time to go your separate ways.
The future is in front of all of us, and time is short. We should be sowing seeds for the life we want to have in 5–10 years, and if you and your partner aren’t even tending the same garden, it doesn’t bode well. This can especially be a point of contention if you are more motivated than your partner. If you value building a career, keeping a clean house, or saving money, and your partner doesn’t (which means you’ll be carrying the bulk of the relationship load down the line) it might be time to break up.
One obvious example of having mismatched views of the future is if one partner wants to have children and the other doesn’t. If your mate doesn’t see having children as a life goal and you do, then it means that you aren’t heading in the same direction. In a case like this, it’s best to jump ship sooner than later — despite how much you might like them. Staying with someone who has such a different view of how they want to live their lives is a nightmare and will cause resentment on both sides — especially if one party gives in to either preference to make the other happy at the expense of their own fulfillment.
4. You fight, frequently.
Everyone knows fighting in a relationship is both unavoidable, normal, and generally healthy. However, fighting all the time, such as daily, is a real sign that something isn’t right.
Reflection is always key before making a rash decision — including the decision to break up — so take some time to audit these fights. What exactly are you fighting about? What types of fights are these? Blow-ups? Silent treatment? Bickering? Nitpicking? There’s a good chance that there’s a common “brand” and “theme” to your fighting. Whatever the case is, know that there’s a deeper issue at play, and have a detailed conversation about what those root causes are.
If any of the root causes are in line with any of the other 4 signs that I’ve mentioned here, then it might be a cause for terminating the relationship. If the root causes are trivial — such as arguments over common spaces, where your mate leaves their clothes after disrobing, or other similarly mundane things, implementing better communication could be the more appropriate fix.
Either way, if the fighting is so bad that it has started to define your relationship, it might be a good idea to move on — even if the arguments are of the run-of-the-mill sort.
5. You’re just not happy.
The strangest thing I’ve discovered in studying my relationships and those of my peers is that somewhere along the line, we all tend to forget that romantic relationships only exist to enrich our lives. If the relationship isn’t a bright spot in an otherwise challenging human existence, then it isn’t serving its one and only purpose and is not worth continuing.
If you were to sit down and take stock of the biggest stressors in your life, where would your relationship fall? If it’s anywhere near the top five things that make you lose sleep at night, end the relationship with extreme prejudice.
You are complete without a relationship. You are whole without a romantic partner, and if you don’t feel like that is true you shouldn’t be dating in the first place. Of course, all relationships have stressful moments and rough patches, but we must be careful to pay attention to the point when the relationship becomes ALL rough patches and stressful moments.
If your relationship is a chore and if it’s starting to eat away at your focus, your self-confidence, or your belief in love, nix it.
You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be attractive to and attracted to your mate, you deserve to build a life with someone who shares your dreams and values. In order to get what you deserve, you have to remove what you don’t.
No, breaking up is not easy. Familiarity is comfort and comfort is what we all seek but once you pull the plug on a situation that isn’t right for you, you’ll finally be clear enough to truly see the bright future ahead of you — alone — or with someone new with whom it all just seems…easy.
