Reflections of a Retired Serial Dater
At the risk of sounding like a “loose woman” I must admit that I’ve dated A LOT. I wasn’t allowed to date in junior high or high school and once I was on my own, I definitely made up for lost time. Also, having not developed any concept of the inner workings of a romantic relationship during my formative years, I had a steep learning curve. I wouldn’t change it for the world.
I’ve experienced a lot of ups and downs and some downright horrors in my romantic relationships and have found the the worst ones I’ve experienced have taught me as much, or more, than my great ones. I’m divorced (about to embark on my second marriage), have been in a number of long term relationships (many, 3+ years long), have cohabited more than anyone I know, and learned some very valuable lessons about dating, and myself, along the way.
I often reflect on the relationships that have taught me all of the dating super powers that I possess today. These are the thoughts that shine the brightest.
Saying no improved the quality of my relationships.
When I first started dating, I was a yes girl. If my boyfriend wanted me to drive 45 minutes to see him no matter the time, I did it. If he wanted to attend an event that I didn’t feel comfortable going to, I shoved my protests down deep and soldiered through it.
I spent a lot of time beholden to the whims of another, and in the many relationships I suffered with that dynamic, I was completely miserable. I was so much a “yes girl” that I feared even breaking up with someone I was with because I knew that they didn’t want it.
Saying no took practice. I practiced due to necessity. I was tired of feeling used, invisible, or controlled, and so one day, I said no more. It was the best thing I ever did, it garnered increased respect from my partners, empowered me immensely, and allowed me to take an active role in my relationships which helped me enjoy them more.
Sex is not owed, your body is YOURS to be shared at your discretion.
One of the many things I didn’t know how to say no to was sex. If he wanted it, he got it. Simple as that. No matter if it didn’t feel good, no matter if I wasn’t in the mood, no matter if I was suffering through one of my bouts of broken pussy — which was ALWAYS caused by the man I was with and my inability to put myself and my health first.
There’s no doubt that sex is an important part of a healthy relationship. Emphasis on healthy. If you’re experiencing the sort of mental block that saps your sexual desire, it’s important to address that first before giving into any sexual act that makes you feel worse on the inside.
With that in mind, I learned that I could say no to sex whenever I wanted — and in doing so I implemented a self-selection process. If a man got mad when I didn’t spread my legs on command, he could leave me — no skin off my back. If they gave me too much push back when I asserted my choice to abstain, I kicked him to the curb. If I didn’t go as far as to break up with him, I most definitely withheld sex, with no guilt, until I felt like taking part. It takes two to tango, after all.
It’s sad that the idea that I didn’t owe anyone sex was something I didn’t inherently know, that it was something I had to learn, but learn it I did, and you know what? My pussy never broke again. I learned to listen to my body and my urges better and it gave me confidence and power that has bled into other areas of my life. Wielding all control and power over my most sacred parts allowed me to pick partners that respected my body and my choice to share it — or not.
The end of a relationship is not the end of the world.
I would stay in relationships an average of two years too long. It was like I couldn’t imagine my life without the person I was with, even if the relationship had degraded into a vortex of misery.
What I learned, after a lot of practice in ending things, is that life goes on after a break up. You won’t turn to dust, your house won’t go up in flames, hell, the person you dumped is probably relieved that you had the balls to do what they couldn’t.
I’ve watched too many awful relationships trudge along for no reason other than co-dependence, fear, or shared low self-worth. I always ask myself, why are these people together? They’re not even happy!
In my articles, I talk a lot about the importance of happiness in a relationship and the value of being with someone who enriches your existence because beyond all the specific, granular advice that I or others can give about what makes a good relationship, the most important thing is that it makes you happy. It’s as simple as that — so simple that it took me years to learn this fact. Go figure.
Attachment is real. The comfort of routine is real, but none of those things are synonymous with happiness. Once I realized that when I ended a relationship my life and overall mental and physical health improved, it was easy for me to pull the plug on relationships that just weren’t working.
Being alone is fine, a relationship isn’t a requirement.
To be honest, I’ve never truly considered a relationship to be a requirement for me, but they are super fun (most of the time), and I like fun, so I like being in relationships. However, society has ingrained this idea into all of us that finding someone to share our lives with is the ultimate goal.
It’s not.
Being happy, fulfilled, and living up to my full potential is the only goal that matters. I know that finding someone to share my life with is the cherry on top, not the sundae itself.
There is no question that I am complete and perfect with or without sharing my life with another person, and with that knowledge, I hold all facets of my destiny in the palm of my hand, and you do, too.
