The Dating App Survival Guide
Make the apps work for you.
Down with dating apps, am I right? They are a black hole of non-committal, anti-social wastoids (i.e. losers) whose only mission is to get into your pants. Delete all those apps and meet someone the old fashioned way! At a bar. At a club. At a Meetup. At work! At a conference? Good plan.
Except…
Those same people at the bar, the club, the Meetup, at work, and at the conference are on those same dating apps. There are exceptions — plenty of people avoid apps like the plague because they’re, well, married or otherwise spoken for — but for millions of other singles, apps like Tinder, Hinge, etc. are the preferred method to steadily meet dates.
Dating apps aren’t going anywhere, nor should they. If used correctly, they can bring you whatever brand of entanglement you’re seeking, but there are a few methods for success and some harsh truths you should always be aware of when leveraging these services.
A lot of people on dating apps just want sex.
And water is wet. Let’s get one thing straight: there’s nothing wrong with using apps like Tinder to cruise for hook-ups. However, if you spend most of your time swiping and scowling at the wealth of sexually liberated people who use these apps for that purpose, then of course you aren’t enjoying yourself. There are no rules for dating apps, some people use them to find their forever partner, others use it to find their tonight partner — deal with it.
Once you understand the reality of things in dating app world, you won’t be taken aback every time a guy, for example, asks if they can see you naked — in so many words (or in those words exactly). If that’s not what you want, then ignore them or tell them, quite directly, that you’re only interested in serious relationships and sex isn’t at the top of your list (believe me, they’ll go running) and continue swiping with your own goal in mind.
If you find that you’re getting a lot of — ahem — sexual inquiries and not much else, it’s time to audit your profile. If it doesn’t include a straightforward (but engaging) bio that tells potential suitors exactly why you’re on the app and exactly what you aren’t looking for, then edit it to make sure that it does. If you’ve posted a litany of suggestive pictures — dial that back and post some shots of you reading a book or playing video games or bowling to show that you are more than your ruby-lipped pout.
Don’t get caught up in what other people are looking for during their dating app experience, concentrate on what you are looking for, and the other noise won’t get to you.
The messages I get are boring and uninspired.
Hell yes they are. Nine times out of ten, you’ll see a notification for a message only to open it up and see some one word conversation starter, like “Hey”. I used to treat those messages like they didn’t even exist. Delete. I had a pretty interesting bio where I made sure to include half a dozen conversation starters. If they couldn’t be bothered to carry the thread on any of them, there was no use engaging further.
When people complain about their experiences on dating apps and curse the people they’ve been talking to, I often ask to see the starting point for whatever conversation they’re carrying on. Conversations that were going nowhere always seemed to start with “hey”, “hi” or “what’s up”? This person is telling you from the beginning that they don’t believe in putting in effort. If you engage with them after those types of uninspired greetings you’re essentially telling them that you accept shoddy communication and minimal imagination.
Until you get a message from a suitor that is thoughtful, unique, and enticing, don’t message anyone back. I guarantee it won’t take as long as you think to get the type of messages you’re seeking, and you’ll be more motivated to engage in them if you’re not wasting your time talking to those wastoids I mentioned before.
No one ever takes the leap to ask me out.
And why should they? Really, ask yourself, why should someone ask you out? If it’s because you’re pretty, you’re part of the problem you’re probably complaining about. You are certainly aware of how great you are, how smart you are, how funny you are, but what about your digital communications suggests all of that to your current prospect?
In today’s crowded dating waters, everyone has a lot of pretty, semi-interesting people to choose from. You have to stand out in the crowd, and the only way to do that is to use those valuable keystrokes to intrigue and ensnare your prey — I mean date.
The surefire way to intrigue your prospect is to be as honest and transparent as possible. Sure, this may turn some people off, but that’s good — they wouldn’t have been the right fit for you anyway. You should also use their bio as a talking point in conversation and way to identify commonalities. Everyone likes to feel seen and heard, and taking the time to do so will create anticipation about how you are in person and make them want to see it live and in color.
The other reason you’re not getting asked out is because you’re entertaining pen pals. Pen pals are what I call the millions of people actively using dating apps to chat with attractive people with no plans to ever see them in person. These types are, by far, my least favorite dating app users.
Pen pals crowd the hallways, waste your time and are most likely using you to fill some void they have in their lives. People using the apps for this purpose are either in a boring relationship that they don’t have the guts to leave, or have some sort of bad financial/living/life situation that they are afraid to reveal to the person on the other side of the phone.
If you’re chatting with someone for a week and no plans get made, start ignoring their messages. If they have the guts to ask why you’re ignoring them, tell them you don’t entertain pen pals. Unless you’re also a pen pal, in which case please delete your app. There are actual pen pal services — go find one of those and leave the apps to the folks who are serious about getting something started.
I don’t enjoy using dating apps.
Before you delete all of your apps, ask yourself why you hate them. If it’s because of any of the reasons listed above, it’s understandable. All of those things are easy to fix and easy to identify, however, so they shouldn’t get you down. If you hate them because you’ve been doing all of the right things and you still haven’t found anyone worth your time —that’s the name of the game, unfortunately.
The thing is, there are no guarantees in dating on an app or otherwise. Finding the one takes time. One other harsh truth is that dating is a numbers game. You WILL have to go on multiple dates with multiple people and some of those dates will suck and some will fizzle out just before your first meeting, etc. However, some of those dates will be amazing and will turn into more and more dates, so trust the process and know that you’re one open-mouthed masticator away from meeting someone you vibe with.
Don’t be afraid to deactivate your app for a while if things aren’t going to your standards. Center yourself, take a break, and then dive back in, when you’re ready, with fresh eyes. There are literally millions of fish in the dating app seas.
The thing to keep in mind is that if any part of your dating experience has ceased to be enjoyable, remove yourself from it. Navigating the treacherous waters of dating in 2020 is difficult, but it doesn’t have to be a pain in the ass. Be positive, be light, and swipe with an open mind that has made peace with what dating apps are and can tap into their endless potential.
Why should you listen to me? Well, I met my fiance on Tinder while enjoying a bunch of super fun, enlightening, frightening, and horrifying dating app dates. How did I do it and have a damn good time while I did? Simple, I made those apps work for me, and you can, too.
