This needs to be discussed, and you did it beautifully here. This subject is a minefield and you crossed it with grace.

I do often wonder how we fix this, how we cultivate mutual trust and respect between black men and women -- mostly how do we develop it in the black men who want to own us without any of the responsibility of caring for us?

I don't know how to mend this, but admitting it's a problem and removing the blame from those outside our community in favor of seeing and fixing our own shit is a good place to start.